04-13
2010

The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow?

Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice!

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow?


I was the oldest of four children and my mother often left me in charge of my brothers.  I was changing diapers and feeding bottles long before I entered junior high.  Even at that age I thought of myself as a motherly figure.  My little baby brothers called me “Momma” and I secretly relished that word.  I knew I wanted to be a mom when I grew up.  I wanted to have babies and bake cookies and take care of my home and be super mom.

At seventeen I had a child of my own.  It was an accident, and a lapse of judgment (and I wouldn’t change having her for anything in the world).  At that time I had forgotten my dream of being a mother and had moved on to the lofty aspirations of painting and writing and art school.  I wanted to be the quintessential starving artist lurking in a dusty old warehouse apartment with great lighting.  But instead I had this beautiful baby girl.

Life was very difficult, and I wasn’t the best mother to my child.  I was dealing with the disappointment of watching my dreams of art school fade away, and trying to raise this little person at the same time.  I was also growing myself up in the process.  I made so many mistakes, and my little girl suffered for them.

I finally went back to school when I was twenty-one, and then met and married the huz.  Over the next eight years not only did we have three more children, but we moved so often and were so unsettled I would joke that we were New England nomads.  He was in and out of jobs, trying to find something that fit him, and we struggled.

With each baby I’ve gotten closer to the ideals of my childhood.  It was hard to put food on the table so I learned to cook from scratch and be frugal with our money.  For the same reasons I learned to garden and to bake bread.  With Willow I wanted to babywear, but I hated the uncomfortable padded sling I had been gifted when Patrick was born, so I taught myself to sew and made my own mei tai.

Fast-forward a few years, and our life is pretty good.  The huz has had the same job for over two years and our bills are paid every month.  We lived in our last apartment for four years and we have moved on to a really sweet single family home.  I have the money to buy the cute little diapers and baby carriers I used to drool over.  I’ve settled into my mothering role and I am proud of the woman that I have become.

We have four beautiful children, and we are talking about shutting down our baby making factory.  The idea that someday soon it will be over freaks me out.   I can finally practice these finely tuned crunchy momma skills, all the obstacles have gone away and now I am running out of babies.  Cooper is nine months old, and of course he is still my sweet little boy but I know that he will someday be grown and independent of me and the thought of what I will do then scares the crap out of me. What is “a babywearing, cosleeping, breastfeeding, clothdiapering, kitchen witchy momma” to do when there is no longer anyone to diaper, feed, or wear?

So Dear Readers, my question is how do you know when you are done having babies?  What do you do when your teeny little ones are grown enough to tie their own shoes and dress themselves and OMG wipe their own bottoms?


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(This list will be updated by the end of the day April 13 with all the carnival links.)

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Posted in babywearing, breastfeeding, natural parenting | 21 Comments »



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By: FernWise

I’ve never done a survey, but it could be that all of us prefer parenting a specific age of child.

For me, it’s teens – I love kids that are finding themselves by arguing back. I started homeschooling when he reached high school, by piling him and camping supplies in the car and driving the Oregon Trail coast to coast. But parenting my son well when he was very young too far more effort than anything else I’ve done in my life. And wouldn’t you know it, one of his developmental delays HAD to be a speech delay (along with the sensory integration issues that meant he HATED being held/worn, and dang, had I known about swaddling that might have helped him a lot). And I LOVE volunteering at the food coop at a local college campus, where I still get surrounded by very young adults that share my liberal and green focus.

For another friend of mine – it’s being pregnant. After she and her hubs stopped having their own kids she started being a surrogate mother for gay couples.

So, you evolve. Maybe you give birth to and raise different parts of yourself. Maybe you train to become a lactation consultant. Maybe you provide child care to other moms who would love to be baby wearing, etc, and are expressing milk but for whatever reason have to work.

Like playing cats cradle, you combine the connected aspects of yourself into a new and still beautiful pattern of your own making.

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Joni Rae Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 10:15 AM

Thought provoking stuff- :) I’ve been thinking of becoming an LC. I think I’d be good at it, and I’d love to help other moms on their breastfeeding journey! (and also- I’d get to see more BABIES! LOL)

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By: kim

My husband was sure we were done after our last child was born. I told him I understood that, but could not do anything permanent until I “got there” too. We used an IUD for 5 years. Once my baby went to kindergarten, I knew I was ready. I love having a few hours a day to really get to know myself as an individual again. I’m taking classes towards a nursing degree and feel very happy and settled. It’s a nice balance. A few months ago, hubby and I made the decision to make it official and he got a vasectomy. I’m so greatful that he had the patience to wait until we both were on the same page.

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By: Sarah @ OneStarryNight Twitter:

Oh gosh I can relate. I was a single mom for 6yrs with Daniel and then became pregnant with Tristan when Dan was 7yrs old. I had to “find” myself really once he got to be 5-6yrs old because he didn’t NEED me as much. He self-weaned at 4, used the potty just fine, could make his own (basic) meals…

I started to delve more into reading more books, driving around, taking more photos… and now I’m back to the beginning with another little nursing, cloth diapered, baby wearing, squishy ball of babyness!
.-= Sarah @ OneStarryNight´s last blog ..Dear Natural Parenting Community =-.

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Joni Rae Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 12:48 PM

LOL Sarah- I love “squishy ball of babyness” -they are so squishy and sweet!

I DMed you the other day, did you get it?

Kim- I think I’ll probably do something when they are older- I was thinking lactation consultant. :)

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By: mamapoekie Twitter:

What a wonderful post… I love this carnival, it makes me discover such wonderful people!
Your question is sth I have been wondering about too… We always said we’d have four children (have just the one now), but it seems unthinkable to stop having childen one day, to decide to quit with the joy and the ups and downs and the learning and the marvel. How will my life change once the diapering is done?
Yet for me that’s a bit further down the road of course. I think I’ll start some new path, maybe do sth with birth or … who knows.
Life doesn’t end when the diapering’s done, or when they’re out of the house, it simply changes
.-= mamapoekie´s last blog ..Quote of the day =-.

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By: Jackie Twitter:

I don’t know! I’m worried too…. I’ve always felt that i’ll KNOW when we’re done. When we don’t have any more little ones waiting in heaven

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By: Dionna @ Code Name: Mama Twitter:

I might actually have to start considering this too if we never get pregnant again (come on, TTC powers that be!). I suppose that we will continue to cherish each moment of our growing children’s lives – nurturing them at the stage they are in. :)
.-= Dionna @ Code Name: Mama´s last blog ..How We Came to Unschooling =-.

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By: Lauren @ Hobo Mama Twitter:

I actually wondered this same question about my mother-in-law. She was so heavily invested in all her kids’ lives (stay-at-home mom) and particularly in my sister-in-law’s, the baby of the family. She had to coach and cajole and pull my SIL through high school and then more years of college than is typical, and I kept thinking, What will she do when her hands-on parenting job is over?

And you know? She’s fine. She loved being a really involved mother, and now she loves her free time. She’s in lots of different groups she used to not have time for, and she travels a lot to see her beloved grandbaby (that would be our son!).

So I think you mourn that the period you loved is over, but you find new and good things to come. I hope! I still get teary thinking of weaning, so what do I know!

Also — I do know of people who continue to foster and adopt long past their fertile years. I don’t know if that’s an option or interest for you, but it’s something to tuck away to think about later.
.-= Lauren @ Hobo Mama´s last blog ..April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice =-.

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By: Maman A Droit Twitter:

I’m sure you will be just as great at field trips, homework help, big kid crafts, and all sorts of other stuff. And then someday, being a grandma!
.-= Maman A Droit´s last blog ..Driver’s Ed For Mommies =-.

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By: Danielle

With each phase that passes there is another waiting. While they won’t “need” you in quite the same ways, they will need you for other things. Heck, I still need my mom from time to time.

Good luck mama. Relish in where they all are right now and find joy and excitement in watching it develop for many years to come.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Help a Mama Out =-.

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By: Earth Mama

I can’t advise on when you know you are ready to end the ‘baby making’ chapter of your life, as we are just at the beginning, but I do think that our culture has forgotten the importance of the role of ‘mother’ past babyhood. Mothering changes as your children grow but its influence and significance never lessens, it increases I think.

I still look to my mother for her strengths and wisdoms and respect the experience she has that can help guide me along my own life path. Your little ones may not need you to tie their shoes after a while but they will still need your mothering – they will always need it.

blessings!
.-= Earth Mama´s last blog ..Blog Carnival of Natural Parenting =-.

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By: Chrystal @ Happy Mothering Twitter:

I have always known that I only wanted one or two. After just having my second two months ago, I know I’m done. I really do not like being pregnant and newborns are very draining (although very sweet), but I think my 23-month old is such a blast so I think FernWise has a great point. I’ve always been told that you’ll just know when you’re done and I know I am. Good luck in reaching that decision for your family :-)
.-= Chrystal @ Happy Mothering´s last blog ..Consider This When Commenting on Blogs =-.

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By: Kelly

Be you, with out the definitions. Know that when your husband comes home you can sleep in the same bed all night.Have time and energy to shower. Devote quality time to all of your children no matter what stage of life. I agree with the comments above, find yourself as an individual and I still need my mom!

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By: Zoey @ Good Goog Twitter:

Some people do seem to ‘just know’ – they no longer get clucky over babies, and are genuinely happy to shut up shop. For others, it’s a whole lot more complicated.

I have one child (2) and we are currently trying to conceive. I want 5 kids, my husband would be happy with 4. We’ll see where we end up. Just don’t do anything permanent until you’re both on the same page!
.-= Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..The Real Toddler =-.

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By: Tashmica

Dear Kitchen Witch,

If you have learned over time to re-dream dreams, bake bread and raise kids, the afterlife will be whatever you want it to be. You will sit in the glory of your children and create a new niche for yourself. You should look forward to it.
.-= Tashmica´s last blog ..A Dirty Girl Comes Clean =-.

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By: Melodie Twitter:

I’m getting close to this myself – probably closer because my youngest turns 3 tomorrow. We’re still breastfeeding but she’s been saying that when she’s 3 she’ll be a big girl and won’t need to nurse anymore. I’m like “What??” Part of me is looking forward to having my breasts back but the other part of me who just realized we’re out of diapers is like “noooo!” I don’t know what we do with ourselves after boobs and bums. But I think it might resemble finding a new use for mama hands.
.-= Melodie´s last blog ..How Can I Avoid Beauty Obsession? =-.

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By: Jessica - This is Worthwhile Twitter:

I’m still a baby factory (a slow-producing one, albeit, but still in action), so this answer is from a theoretical point of view. As I’ve become the mother that I am today (“a babywearing, cosleeping, breastfeeding, kitchen witchy momma” like yourself) I’ve struggled daily with creating a space for myself outside of all of that. The woman that I am still lurks under the surface regardless of what else I’m doing and I imagine it’s much the same for you. Once your kids move to the next levels of independence and growth, so too will you. You’ve grown with them thus far so why wouldn’t you continue to follow and cultivate the grown self in you, too?

I’m actually really excited for this place you’re in. I have a lot of anxiety about getting pregnant again (will it EVER happen??), how many kids I’ll have, etc. It’s like my foot is hovering over the next step, but not quite there yet.

By the way, I love all the other comments for this. You’ve got some awesome readers!
.-= Jessica – This is Worthwhile´s last blog ..Excuse me, I have a poop question =-.

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By: Darcel - The Mahogany Way Twitter:

I have been trying to read this post for days! The girls are distracted with ice cream now :)
I too often wonder what I’ll do after we are done having kids. I may face that reality sooner than I would like to. I’m due next month with our 3rd, and would like one more. Hubby says we will never know, and to give it time.

Like others have said, our children will always need us in one way or another.
.-= Darcel – The Mahogany Way´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Riding Around =-.

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By: Tabitha

I was considering the same thing, we had two boys and hubby said no more, then oppps we had two more pregnancies, 2 girls and he has said more for deffo and tonight he’s off for the snip. It’s kinda upsetting, but I’m 41, so with 4 kids age 7 and under I think really to be fair we’ve had double the amount he had planned! LOL Still sad to think that as the youngest is 10months she will be the last and she has been the hardest soo far to deal with and each day is still a challenge, but I achieved at least one goal and managed to BF her ;oD. I think some of us are never quite done! ;oD I am going to be wistful & sad for a while and I know that’s something t’other half cannot understand, but I guess it’s time for our little families to grow into big ones! ;oD xx

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By: Sunny

The answer, of course, is different for every person.

After Elise was born, I knew before we even got home from the hospital that I was not done yet, that I needed to have another baby. And then there was an agonizing wait for me to heal (she’d been an emergency c/s), and then we miscarried. And then we miscarried twins a little further into the first trimester. And then we miscarried early again… all in fairly rapid succession. And then we couldn’t get pregnant.

Eventually we did get pregnant again, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Unable to completely commit to the life inside me, I wondered in a detached sort of way whether a third would be fun. I wasn’t sure yet before I went into labor. Then Evelyn was born and was disinterested in breathing… and I tried to bleed to death. Three units of blood and enough saline and ringers to fill a swimming pool later, I had a very clear message from the Blessed Mother: You can try again, but it’ll kill you.

Wow. Hm. I can’t die producing a third baby for my husband. I have two little girls to watch grow up. I have two whole sets of important life events to attend – maybe that’ll include recitals, science fairs, birthday parties, graduations, weddings, first jobs, and some baby blessings for grandkids – I can’t do those things if I’m dead, now, can I?

Guess I’m done, I said, and I never really looked back.

The yearning right smack in the middle of my womb has evaporated. Holding other people’s babies no longer makes me teary-eyed. The sense of urgency when holding tiny baby slippers is only a memory. I’m comfortable with my daughters. I love the people they are. I’m enjoying the little women they’re in the process of becoming. I see other mothers trying to nurse a baby in a sling while preventing a two year old from scaling the water fountain and I feel astonishing relief that I will never have to do THAT again.

Some people get the “done” feeling after one child. Some have it after two, or three, or five, or eight. Some never really feel that way, but make a decision to stop because of health, finances, sanity…

I think you’ll know. Maybe it’ll be easy and clear like it was for me, and maybe the decision will be wrangled with for a long time before an answer comes and peace is made with it, and maybe you’ll just decide that you’re done for right now, and be content to let “right now” stretch on for two years, four, seven, nine… after which you might decide to have another one, or you might realize that “no more babies” was the best thing to ever happen to you.

That’s the best part – as long as you still have your plumbing, and Ma Nature hasn’t shut down the factory for you, you can always change your “no more” to a “yes.”

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