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Yesterday was… Difficult.
It started out well enough. I was excited about my very first prenatal appointment with my midwife. I was happy that because of the generosity of my readers I was able to give my midwife a down payment towards the cost of my home birth. It was such a relief to hand over that cash. I felt very blessed, because I had been worried that I wouldn’t be able to give her anything.
Then it kind of went downhill. I was feeling anxious to hear my baby’s heartbeat. The whole visit I was looking forward to that, and when the student midwife took my blood pressure, it was 157/100! She asked if that was normal, and I said no- so she had me lie down and they distracted me talking about the kids and then checked it again. 124/74. Whew.
So then it was time to get me gooped up for the heartbeat…. And they couldn’t find it. We tried for thirty minutes. My tummy and uterus are sore today from the poking, but we couldn’t get it. We heard the swooshing of the placenta, but not the baby. I burst into tears. It reminded me of my last pregnancy, and brought out a lot of trauma I thought I had buried. I cried and cried and told them about my loss. Both my midwife and her assistant said they aren’t worried, that it could be hard to hear for many reasons. That because of my extra padding, the placement of the placenta, the tilt or placement of my uterus it can be difficult to find the baby when he or she is still so small.
We are going to try again next week, and if we still can’t hear it, I will have an ultrasound the following Tuesday. She also took blood to check my levels, which she said was just to reassure me that everything is ok. I felt gutted. The whole thing reminded me of my lost baby.
After I got home, Hannah wanted to tell me about something personal, but we have a play group on Thursdays at my house so we didn’t really get a chance to talk. I could tell she was bummed, and I remembered I still had a little left on the gift card Dee sent me, so I offered to take her out for a coffee so we could have some alone time. I had such a good time talking with her, and it really cheered me up after my failed midwife visit. It was my happy moment of the day, and I took a picture to share it with my TKW page.
And then…. The comments started. How dare I buy coffee when I’m asking people for money. Why couldn’t I take my kid out for “special” time that was free? I’m squandering my birth fund money. I’m like a person who holds up a “hungry” begging sign and then buys a candy bar and soda. Why do I have a birth fund anyway? I chose to have five kids, I should choose a birth that my insurance covers. (I don’t have insurance, for the record, we fall into that mythical crack where we make just enough to not qualify while not being able to afford insurance). How dare I not have insurance. How dare I have five children. Its selfish of me to try for a home birth. It’s selfish of me to ask people for money. It’s distasteful.
This one of those times that I’m weighing the good parts of having a blog and fan page and sharing my life against the hurt and shame and judginess that it can sometimes result in. The majority of people on my page are so supportive and loving and make me feel GOOD. It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthy when I hear that someone decided to try a different way of doing things because of something I said. That’s why I keep doing this.
But yesterday was rough man. I’m a little tender today.
UPDATE: I talked to my midwife. My levels are in the middle of the normal range. She isn’t worried, she said. Next Thursday I will go back to try the heartbeat again, and if we still can’t get it she will check to see if my levels are still rising. And schedule an ultrasound for the following Tuesday.