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Anxiety Sucks.

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Anxiety sucks.

I do well enough most of the time.  I used to be agoraphobic, and I still prefer having people over my house than going out.  Partly because I have five kids and I loathe having my pack descend upon an unsuspecting friend’s home, and partly because I get nervous when I have to go to new places or put myself into new situations.  I am functional.  My kids have friends, we participate in field trips and park days.  I can venture forth into the wilds of Target or the farmers market to shop and run errands without having a panic attack.

But some things still set me off.  Having to go somewhere new, filling out forms, making phone calls, or even answering the phone (I prefer texts), checking voicemail, opening mail (poor James always has a towering stack of mail to go through whenever he comes home), even dealing with email or responding to Facebook messages can sometimes freak me out.  If you’ve ever sent me a message and haven’t got a reply, this is why.  I probably spazzed out, decided I would come back to it later and put it out of my mind forever.

So we got this bench for our dining room, and within a few months it broke when an average weight person plopped down to hard in the middle. The store told us they would replace it, and today is the day I bring the broken one in to get a new bench. I was hoping James would be home to sort it out when it was time to do this, but he is somewhere in Texas today. And we need it for Thanksgiving.

I feel a little anxious, because I can’t help but think they will be thinking “look at the fat girl, she broke the bench!”  I know, it is pretty silly.  But that keeps going through my head anyway.

Anxiety makes everything seem worse than it is. I used to cry just handing in a paper to the school office or going to an appointment by myself.  I would whine and try to avoid it, but my grandma would scoff and say “Who do you think you are Joni, that everyone is going to be looking at you?” 

It is ridiculous to me, that I should be tied up in knots over returning a bench.

 

9 Responses to Anxiety Sucks.

  1. Something similar is going on at my house. My hubby is off work for MAJOR anxiety because his co-worker was picking on his poor spelling and weight. I love him the way he is, I don’t care that he is big, but it stresses him out, and I usually can figure out what he is spelling, lol! Anyway, anxiety does suck, sometimes I have to tiptoe around to keep from setting him off, which gives me stress and anxiety too. Don’t stress about the bench, mean people suck and you are way too awesome to stuff it into a single digit size! I’m a big girl too and that is what I tell myself all the time!

  2. Yep, my life, too. I need medication just to be a functioning member of society. And by this, I mean, able to leave my house, not check under my bed/in the closet every night, basically do anything. I’m so sorry you go through this.

  3. I feel you. I am only recently overcoming paralyzing fear of social situations. Sometimes we miss homeschool group outings because I just can’t make it out the door from the anxiety. BUT I have been getting much better lately. (Thanks in a large part to you and the other wonderfully nice mothers of the group!)
    Eckhart Tolle has some amazing things to say about human Ego, or that voice in your head that tells you stupid things that aren’t true and prevent you from enjoying life fully. My husband recently stumbled onto some talks and books of his, and overcame some seriously negative inner-dialogue nastiness.

  4. I have so been there. You can do this. Just get it over with as early as you can however is possible – with a glass of wine, by smelling a relaxing sent, by getting a pep talk from James right before…whatever it takes and then you’ll be free and maybe even empowered. Affirmations might work. It is a broken bench. It happens to people of all sizes! You go Joni!

  5. I am so sorry you’re going through this. In 2009, I was having paralyzing panic attacks. In my health journey, my Dr. dx me w/ Hashimoto’s thyroid & multiple food allergies/intolerances. Since I stopped eating wheat, corn, cow dairy, soy, yeast & white potato I no longer have panic attacks (nearly a yr). I still have mild anxiety, but it helps that I take vitamin D3 & thyroid med. My last really bad panic attack I ate sausage biscuits & gravy, the “perfect storm” of at least 4 food allergens. I also lost 30+ lbs just from limiting these foods. I don’t know if any of this might help anyone else, but I highly recommend 2 books: “Wheat Belly” and “The Paleo Diet”. I don’t eat perfectly paleo, but at least 80%. Feeling so much calmer.

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