Building a wall against bullying.
There has been a lot of talk in the media lately about bullying.
This our story.
Up until last summer I was part of a homeschool playgroup. It started out as a few moms getting our kids together every week, but after a year or so we started talking about starting a larger homeschool organization that could encompass more of the homeschoolers in our state. Soon after that I met a new woman at one of the organization meetings with a daughter near my daughter’s age. I was happy to have our daughters hang out because homeschooling was a new experience for her daughter Nellie and Hannah was looking for a girl her age to bond with. All went well for a few weeks, but then Hannah told me that she was uncomfortable with the other girl, because she was often “too negative.”
When I brought this to the mother’s attention (lets call her Hyacinth) she dismissed it and refused to talk to me for several months. Which was awkward to say the least, because by that point not only had Hyacinth and Nellie started going to our weekly playgroup, but Hyacinth also happened to be getting on well with our group’s organizer, Myrtle.
There are lessons to be learned everywhere, I understand that, so we kept on going and tried to get along and after a while the girls seemed to patch things up. Once in a while there were little rumblings, Hannah would mention something that Nellie said and I would tell her “She’s only just come out of school and still adjusting so try to be patient.” I asked her to do her best to be kind, to be a good friend.
One afternoon in April, the girls had an argument. I could see this from where I was sitting in the yard- Hannah was visibly upset and gesturing from Nellie to one of the boys. I called her over to me and she told me that Nellie was picking on the boy and Hannah was trying to get her to stop. I hugged her and told her to walk away and find someone else to talk to. So she went off to play with some of the other kids. A few days later, Hannah flopped down on the couch beside me, upset because she just noticed that she had been unfriended by Nellie on Facebook.
I told her that maybe it was for the best and that she had plenty of other friends that she got along with. I thought that was the end of it and went back to goofing around on the internet. A little while later, Hannah came back to the couch and snuggled up with me. She was crying. She came down to tell me that she was glad she had been unfriended and that over the last several months she had been pinched, slapped, yelled at, made fun of, and in general just plain old bullied.
I was so angry I couldn’t speak. I was angry at myself. I couldn’t believe I had sat there and told my kid to be kind to this girl. I had told her to be patient. I had basically told her to take it. I was sitting there with my blackberry in hand and I just had to let it out so I tweeted “I can’t believe that frickin negative brat unfriended MY KID.” I never mentioned any names. Just that frickin brat. After Hannah went upstairs I spent my Saturday night texting my friend because although she knew Hyacinth a little, I thought she was someone I could trust since I had known her so long (she had been at my wedding). I was so upset that I hadn’t been there for Hannah and I just needed to talk to someone. I calmed down a bit after that, not knowing that in a perfect example of douchebaggery she forwarded my texts to Hyacinth.
Monday morning dawned and I felt a little nervous. There was a board meeting for our homeschool organization and I knew I would be facing Hyacinth across the table. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. I’m not good at confrontation. As it turned out, that was taken out of my hands. After the meeting was over I was hijacked by Myrtle and Hyacinth. Suddenly those two phone calls from Myrtle on the way down to the meeting made more sense. She had been checking to see if I was still coming.
There they were, the two of them (remember how friendly they were becoming?) and suddenly I was bombarded by questions from Hyacinth whilst Myrtle just sat and listened. She said she was remaining “impartial” as I sat there and got yelled at for thirty minutes. I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do and all I kept thinking over and over was “just don’t cry, please don’t cry.” I felt cornered. Hyacinth was going on and on about calling her kid a brat and that if I had a problem I should have told her and that her kid was just “strong willed”. I managed to get in that I had tried to talk to her back in October and she didn’t speak to me for months. She dismissed that and went right back to yelling at me while Miss Impartiality just listened.
When it was over I got in my car and cried all the way home.
Then the emails started. And to not put too fine of a point on it, they were disgusting.
Ones from Hyacinth telling me that she and Nellie “welcomed” the opportunity to sit down with Hannah and find out specifics (times and dates included) of what horrors Nellie could possibly have inflicted upon Hannah. Ones saying that Nellie is merely strong willed and that maybe Hannah should get therapy. And even ones from the impartial Myrtle suggesting that Hannah should “try harder” (yep, her actual words) to be friends with the girl that was bullying her.
Can you imagine that? The host of a homeschool playgroup, the self-appointed leader of a homeschool community, hears allegations of bullying and what does she do? Does she talk to the other mothers to see if this happened to their children? Nope. Maybe talk with the other children to see if they had seen or been subjected to any negative behavior? Nope.
Maybe even sit down and talk one on one with Hannah to get HER side of events? Nope. She never spoke with Hannah- not even once. Her impartial advice was for my daughter to try harder to be friends with the girl that was bullying her. As I said, disgusting.
Then one day in late summer all this came to a head. We had continued going to the playgroup and I had continued with my duties in the organization. It was awkward sure, but life is life and down is down, what were we going to do? On one particular day the older kids decided to go for walk. Nellie decided she wanted to go too.
And here I have to stop the story on its tracks for a minute and pay total respect to Hannah. The older kids had also over the months of Nellie coming to the playgroup seen how she was with Hannah and the others. They decided to run off and leave Nellie behind. They wanted time away from her. Which is understandable, if maybe not quite right. Who was the ONLY one out of them to stop and say it was wrong and that they should wait for Nellie?
That’s right. Hannah. She even waited by herself for a time to see if Nellie had caught up, but apparently Nellie by this time had gone back to the yard. I was told this story by the other kids. They told me how Hannah told them to stop, and how she waited behind because she didn’t want the girl that had been so mean to her to feel bad.
Hannah you are awesome and never let anyone tell you differently.
Hyacinth’s distress at Nellie being left behind by the other kids brought everyone into the picture. It was then that the eldest teen in the group took it upon herself to inform Myrtle that Hannah WAS being bullied. Her mother also sent out a letter saying that this situation was not ok. Hyacinth decided that day to remove herself and her daughter from the group. And there you have it. End of story. Bully gone away. A lot of us breathed a sigh of relief because lets just say it was obvious where Nellie had learned her behavior.
So we were told by Myrtle that we would not mention it again. Which was fine, because we all wanted to move on. Until a couple of weeks later when Myrtle sent out an email saying that she was hurt that we could move on so easily. That Hyacinth and Nellie must be feeling so hurt by all of this and we should be ashamed. And still she had never once said anything to Hannah about any of this.
She never asked her how she was feeling, even though Hannah’s claims of bullying were vindicated by the other kids. Even when it was brought to light that Myrtle herself had spread rumors about Hannah- about a twelve year old girl’s personal business, she still didn’t apologize. During this whole process, start to finish no one asked Hannah how she was doing. Even after Hannah sent out a very difficult email to Hyacinth and Myrtle asking why they would talk about her personal life without asking her if it was true or not, telling them how hurt she was, they STILL didn’t apologize.
I wasn’t the only one disgusted by all this. Four other mothers left the group as well. We still get together every week, but from what I’ve gathered the old playgroup has slowly deflated like a flan in a cupboard.
All still doesn’t end well.
I was still a member of the homeschool organization. When I went to renew my membership I was sent a letter, stating that my renewal was pending investigation by the board of MY behavior. I said to the hell with that and asked for a refund. Which they grudgingly granted.
So what counts as victimization of a grown up? I guess I was paying for standing up for my child. I am still paying for it. I am now excluded from an organization I was a part of from the ground floor. I feel awkward talking to members of the homeschool community at large because I have heard some of the things Myrtle and Hyacinth are still saying about me. It sucks.
And guess what boys and girls? IT IS STILL GOING ON.
Hyacinth is now stalking me on twitter. She goes by the name CelticPrideHS and I found out a few days ago that she has been stalking my every tweet for some time. The only reason I noticed? She began interacting with (and following) the two people I have argued with this month, contacting them within an hour of our twitter debates.
I just find this so disturbing.
The thing that gets my goat the most are comments like this:
What shit did I stir? My kid was being bullied.
This was tweeted after my post on gossip.
This was tweeted right after I posted a picture of “rockstar” Patrick in a pink shirt.
There are lots more. She is devoting a lot of time and energy to my twitter account.
So this is the kind of attitude that the victims of bullying face: A relentless surge of teeth-gnashing agression until the victim gives in. This is the society our children (and sometimes the grown ups) live in. We tell them to try harder. We accuse them of being mentally weak. We stand by like Myrtle and watch as the bullies push and push and try to marginalize and exclude the victims until they simply shut up. Just so that they can “win”. Just so they can make, for a moment at least, themselves feel better than those they intimidate and pick on.
Well enough is enough. We have tried to keep our heads up and take the high road. For months Hannah and I have not given in to the petty jabs and the snarky comments. But apparently it is not going away. So let me lay the first stone in a wall against bullying.
I don’t want revenge, I don’t want them to “pay” for what they’ve done. I don’t even want them to slip on a banana skin. I just want them to stop it and leave us alone.
So hey @CelticPrideHS I’m a rock for my daughter and myself.
And I am building a wall against bullying one rock at a time.
Hugs.
So I will add a bit more. 
My parents did the best thing they could in that situation, they taught me the RIGHT thing. They also taught me that most don’t do the right thing 
Joni Rae Reply:
January 17th, 2011 at 9:42 AM
Yup. Still going on. It was a shock to find out (out of the blue) that she was stalking me on twitter seven months later.
<3
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