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I started walking again.

I started walking again. 

I’ve spent the past month laying on the couch, bleeding, and eating whatever I wanted to comfort myself.  I’ve been so worn out and tired that at times I could barely move.  I allowed myself time to grieve, to feel sick, to think, but now I need to get moving again.  A couple of things spurred me into motion. 

First, I planned a birthday party for the huz this past weekend.  I didn’t realize the extent of damage three weeks of no-houswork can do to a home until I looked around the morning of the party.  I guess I had been so wrapped up in the drama of my own body that I was oblivious to the mess we were living in.  I thought it would just take the usual hour of dusting/mopping/vacuuming and we’d be good to go.  Nay Nay!  I woke up Saturday morning, had a cup of coffee and looked around my home with fresh eyes… I was appalled.  It was absolutely FILTHY. There was not one surface that didn’t have sticky handprints.  The floors were disgusting.  Piles of clutter were breeding and my bathroom made me want to cry.  The huz took the three littles out for a while and Hannah and I began to clean.  She took care of decluttering/vacuuming and I took care of the rest. I went through each room and washed every wall, cupboard, door, and carpet.  I scrubbed until my hands ached.

It took four hours to look presentable.  And that was just the downstairs.  I haven’t even started on the bedrooms. 

Sunday I went to my grandmother’s for her birthday party. While I was there, I noticed she had a scale in her bathroom…  And stupidly decided to weigh myself.  The results were shocking.  I weigh so much more than I thought I did.  It bummed me out the rest of the day.  But as I was going to bed that night, I started thinking about what I can do to be a healthier person.  I can’t do much.  I am so far beyond out of shape I don’t even think there is a word for it.  Well, actually, there ARE words for what I am- but they are words that I am not capable of thinking about. It has only been a few years since I was finally strong enough to use the word FAT.  Now I own it. 

I am FAT. See? It doesn’t hurt to say it now. 

Anyway.  I can’t do much, but I can walk.  And I can walk every day.  So yesterday I started walking.  There is a graveyard two miles away, so I made four miles (there and back again) my goal.  I didn’t quite make it, but I was proud of my three mile start.  Today I made it all the way there.  I had Patrick with me on his new bike, and he was so excited to ride all the way to the graveyard!  I knew I couldn’t disappoint him.  So I did it! 

Four miles in an hour is not too shabby.  In fact, its probably damn near a miracle to someone who weighs as much (and is as out of shape) as me.  So that is what I am going to do. Walk.  Every day that it isn’t raining.  It is a good place to start.

17 Responses to I started walking again.

  1. To everything there is a season.. It is beautiful to see what the Universe brings us to help us move on. It is a gently nudge to shift. I am sad for your loss, but inspired by your new path…. Blessings

  2. Good for you! I’ve started walking, too. I do almost 4 miles in an hour and I walk to a book on tape (it helps the time go by). I’m also trying to eat healthier. I’ve started following The Biggest Loser Diet which is actually pretty simple to follow and is helping me to learn how to eat right. :) Keep it up!! And just know you are not alone!

  3. You have inspired me! I am a FAT person! After having my third, I have gained 50 plus pounds and need to get moving! Thank you for inspiring me to do so! Best wishes on your new jorney!

  4. walking seems to be the best, it’s something you can do with your kids, on your own, and it doesn’t strain you so much as say going for a run. I’d suggest even on wet days it’s nice to get out in the fresh air, especially when it’s been hot for a few days beforehand you can smell the clean earth and the freshness. I too have started to get myself fitter and feel 10 times better than I did which is amazing!

  5. Joni, you are always such an inspiration to the plus sized girls out here in cyber space. Your messages to “own it” and to practice self confidence and love are awe inducing. So many of us feel or have felt like we are not worthy and I am a firm believer that no one can truly love you until you love yourself.
    I spent so many years being awkward and not truly loving myself or realizing the “assets” (giggles) I have in so many different realms.
    I now carry myself with confidence. I am not down-trodden simply because I am FAT. There is so much more that defines ME besides my weight. I get so sad when I think of all those years that I let my appearence to others dictate my self worth.
    Am I PROUD to be FAT? No. Does it bother me? Yes.
    But we do what we can in life and weight is just a number much like how age cannot always define someones maturity or decision making abilities- Weight cannot always define someones social/financial status, self esteem, or talents.
    So yes, I am FAT. Hopefully not for life, but at least I know when I go to bed at night that I’ve done my best.
    I am:

    And so are you :-)

    • Oh Jenna! I MISS you! Thank you for your kind words. It is hard to accept yourself and your flaws- I try to, but I still get down in the dumps at times. I’m working to make me better- for me! :)


  6. I’ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.

  7. <3 pete and I have gotten out the bikes and I got a lot of exercise camping at beltane this weekend up in MA. More power to you!

  8. Exercise is the stinkage at first, but it does get better, and more fun. Maybe within the year you can actually *run* to the graveyard! Push yourself a little more each day. Give yourself goals you are not quite sure you can reach, and then go DO them!

    I haven’t been able to exercise since I’ve been sick since January and I had all these tremendous goals of what awesome shape I’d be in by summer. After months of hard work….~~~FTTT. At first my body screamed at the lack of exercising, and now I know it will scream when I finally get to start up again. So, soon I’ll be working at it right with ya girl.

    Now, if only I can encourage myself to clean like you do…..Please nobody ever come to my house….

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