I’m scared I won’t be able to find a midwife that will want me as a client. I have contacted several, and most of the emails and talks have been about my obesity and why it will be a problem. It has me feeling so… down.
Before you get all up in arms, know that I do believe people can be healthy at most sizes, but I am self aware enough to know I tip the scale into very unhealthy land. I’m working on that, have been working on that for a while now. But even though my lifestyle (and my mind) is far, far healthier than it was in the years I spent putting it all on, it is so hard to get rid of it. There is so much, it is overwhelming. And every time I make strides in the right direction, I get pregnant. When I am pregnant, I have no health concerns other than being fat. I have never had a c-section. I have never had high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia, or a big baby. Nothing is amiss, other than the actual FAT padding my frame.
I can’t FIX how I am right now. It is hard to fix myself when I’m not pregnant. I don’t know what to do. And the idea that because of my stupid fat body I won’t be able to have the birth that I want makes me so angry with myself.
I just know I don’t want to birth in a hospital again. I still think my body can give birth at my size without complications.
Because…. IT HAS. Four times.
I’m feeling discouraged.