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I’m Feeling Discouraged.

I’m scared I won’t be able to find a midwife that will want me as a client. I have contacted several, and most of the emails and talks have been about my obesity and why it will be a problem. It has me feeling so…  down.

banana bandana pic Before you get all up in arms, know that I do believe people can be healthy at most sizes, but I am self aware enough to know I tip the scale into very unhealthy land.  I’m working on that, have been working on that for a while now.  But even though my lifestyle (and my mind) is far, far healthier than it was in the years I spent putting it all on, it is so hard to get rid of it.  There is so much, it is overwhelming.  And every time I make strides in the right direction, I get pregnant.  When I am pregnant, I have no health concerns other than being fat. I have never had a c-section.  I have never had high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia, or a big baby.  Nothing is amiss, other than the actual FAT padding my frame.

I can’t FIX how I am right now. It is hard to fix myself when I’m not pregnant. I don’t know what to do.  And the idea that because of my stupid fat body I won’t be able to have the birth that I want makes me so angry with myself.

I just know I don’t want to birth in a hospital again.  I still think my body can give birth at my size without complications.

Because…. IT HAS.  Four times.

I’m feeling discouraged.

33 Responses to I’m Feeling Discouraged.

  1. *hugs* I know how you feel. I’m going to be birthing in a hospital. I go to a clinic…one of my docs is absolutely fabulous about my size and very supportive, and the other one harps on it. I’ll chant for you. Hopefully you’ll find someone. :)

  2. I know very much how you feel. I lost 100 lbs after the birth of my son and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was harder than quitting smoking (which is probably part of why I put on the weight before I had him). I hadn’t lost all of that before I got pregnant with my daughter and I was scared. I was depressed. I have a lot of pregnancy complications anyways, not birth related, not baby threatening, but my body is not good pregnant. Keep faith in yourself that you’re on the right path and will continue being healthy during and after your delivery! You know you can do it, I’m sure someone will see that faith and help you deliver the way you want to. I’m back down into healthy land weight wise now and due just a week after you, and planning a homebirth. We can both do it <3

  3. Hi,
    I know how you feel. I felt the same way. I found a midwife who pointed out my weight was a concern. But I did eat super healthy while pregnant and walked daily. My blood pressure was NEVER high. the lowest it was several times was 95/60. which i am proud of that. I would drink green smoothies daily, added celery and beets to it. I focused on foods that have natural abilities to lower blood pressure. Since high blood pressure is a big concern in overweight people in general. Maybe more so pregnant women. My blood sugar was perfect. my urine tests were always perfect each visit. I did get to have an amazing home birth. I have 2 kids both pregnancy’s were perfectly normal. I have met really skinny women who had everything from GD to PE.

  4. Don’t give up, Joni! Keep searching, maybe ask Hathor, Hera and Ixchel to bring the one you need to your attention. Remember, the Lady looks out for her own!

  5. Where are you located? This is total BS. I will be happy to help you find a midwife. I am and was a woman of size, and had 5 midwife births, 4 at home.
    I am currently not practicing, as I am starting a DEM program to get all legal and stuff, but I do have good connections in midwifery. Do Not Give Up!

  6. Don’t give up Joni. You’ll find the solution. Whatever you choose, from one fat mama to another, I get you and I hear you and I support you!
    I had one hospital birth that ended in a c/s, then a homebirth with a midwife, and then an unassisted birth. If my husband wasn’t gone more than he was home at this juncture in our lives, if I get pregnant again I’d probably hire a midwife. But if I couldn’t find one I meshed with or just simply couldn’t afford her fees, I’d find a doula or close friend who was fine being with me and do it unassisted at home again.

  7. I have given birth to two children unassisted (just my hubs and I – with my doula looking on in case we needed her) in a doula type center (in Germany), and I am considered “morbidly obese” by American doctors’ standards. I had absolutely no complications during either pregnancies or births. It is absolutely NOT a factor that anyone should be making you feel lousy about, UNLESS you actually have severe high blood pressure/etc. You can be healthy at almost any size, and if you’ve been through four healthy births already.. I don’t see one reason why you can’t do it one more time. Do not give up! Keep searching for size friendly doulas! There is a FB page called ‘Plus Size Mommy Memoirs’ and they have a list somewhere there of size friendly doulas, hopefully there is one for your state. :-)

  8. Sending you some love! I feel the exact same way. I am only 7 weeks and am really worried about contacting midwives. I had GD with both of my previous pregnancies but no complications during birth or pregnancy. I know exactly how you feel.

  9. I’m sorry you are having so much trouble :( Hopefully you will find someone who is willing to look past your weight (and the fact that I even have to say that makes me so sad!) to work with you! You were asking about birthing with just a doula, have you met any doulas possibly open to that option?

  10. My dearest Joni… Please don’t despair!! <3 And please stop labelling yourself as fat or obese!! You just have extra love! ;-) The only thing unhealthy about you, is that you believe this world's BS about yourself. If you are healthy, then that is that. I believe you will find someone, just sometimes good things take time. Be patient, know that you have an army standing behind you – and we are all praying/wishing you well!! Blessed be! <3

  11. I’m so sorry you’re feeling discouraged, there’s so much about pregnancy and birth in our culture that can be discouraging. I do believe that you’ll be able to get the birth you want, whether you’re able to find a midwife, or if you choose to go unassisted.

  12. Can your doctor refer you to someone who will work with you? Yes being overweight/obese isn’t a good thing. I’ve been big all my life and for the longest time I was healthy at a bigger size. However that changed and I had surgery to correct it via RNY gastric bypass because nothing I was doing was helping at all. If you’re still healthy, and you’re continuing to eat healthy and at least walk, on top of managing four children and a home and a husband… well you kick ass. Have you thought about doing a search spell for the correct mid wife or a meditation as well?

  13. As the 5th Doctor used to tell his companion…”Brave heart, Tegan!” Whenever that was said you know it was going to be okay. Brave heart, Joni! You are loved!!!

  14. Dearest one, the universe is on your side. The goddess loves pregnant women. You are at the height of your female creativity. You are healthy and wonderful. You would have been worshiped in ancient times. This body image thing is for the slow starved zombies. It is crazy. You are not. Do not let the zombies get you down. You will be fabulous and keep on keepin’ on. Visualize your birth and set the color now and work the energy of government/medical programming that says you cannot have the birth you want. We both know you can. Let go of that negativity and flush it down your grounding cord. I am a spiritual midwife with the Berkeley Psychic Institute of Santa Rosa. I have seen this energy before. Let it go in our society that denigrates women and children and all things sacred. It is not yours! Honor thyself. Give to yourself and make an altar towards the energy that is all you and your new little baby being. Pamper, pamper, pamper yourself or get your groupies to. Teach your children to give you massages, etc. Validate your awesome ability to create while running the ship of littles and homeschooling and all that you do.

  15. You CAN have the birth you want. You just haven’t found the right care provider yet. Ignore anyone who says your weight is a problem for giving birth – I’m technically obese too but it didn’t stop me. In fact the midwives/birth workers who attended my births never even mentioned my weight. Keep looking, and good luck. :)

  16. Dearest Joni, You are made to do this and you will be amazing. If you are having some trouble finding a midwife please check out plus size mommy memoirs on facebook they may have some information or some way to help. I am a doula in chattanooga tn and if I can help at all please let me know.

  17. Joni, is unassisted childbirth an option for you? I’m in Illinois and here its illegal to practice midwifery, but homebirth is legal. I’ve had two homebirths, the first with underground midwives and the second unassisted and I recommend both ways to anyone who feels comfortable with it. You’re overweight, but you’re not broken and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.. Meditate on it, give it up to the Universe and let the answer come.

  18. I hear you are near me… if so then I understand why you are having such a hard time. But I believe that your body CAN do this! I am a doula and student of midwifery who trusts BIRTH. I trust that a mother knows how to birth and should be able to pick where she births and who she wants on her team. If you would like to chat with me about what your options are I would love to help you find support. <3 I am so sorry you are hurting, but I am confident this will be your most transforming birth yet!
    ~Sarah

  19. I would be very frustrated by that as well. Your birth history speaks for itself and I would like to believe your potential midwives are willing to accept that, but apparently not…so far. There IS someone.

  20. I’m hoping so much that you find someone who is more understanding. It was funny. I kept expecting someone to say something about my weight when I was pregnant, but no-one did! And I got gest. diabetes and hypertension. There has to be someone out there who is not so fat phobic.

  21. Please don’t give up on your dream birth. If this is your last, I fear you’ll regret it if you don’t give it your best shot. I hope your perfect midwife is out there and if not… I hope you’ll consider an Unassisted Birth. With no complications in your history, I don’t see any reason you couldn’t do it if you chose to do so.

    Much love and support out here for you, hon!

  22. I am overweight. I am 205lbs not pregnant and only 5’2″. No high blood pressure, no problems at all during my pregnancies. My midwives encouraged me to eat healthy and I gained about 30lbs with both girls. I was back to pre-pregnancy weight within 2 weeks after they were born.

    You can do this mama… your birth plan will fall into place soon <3

  23. You’ll find one, just keep the faith. I know my midwife has never had any complaints about my weight, but my obs have. And I had through my regular practice (I just try to schedule with her as much as possible). And I know that feeling too, the whole lose weight and whoops I’m pregnant. lol

  24. Have you considered an unassisted birth? If you can’t find a midwife to accept you it’s worth a thought. I’m over weight and have delivered 2 babies with midwives so good luck I hope you find someone who will take you.

  25. So sorry no midwives are supporting you. I got really down hearing my midwife talk about my weight every single visit, despite the fact that in both pregnancies I’d had no health concerns and complication-free natural deliveries. I really hope you find the right person to be with you through this!

    If you do want to go unassisted, some midwives will coach you through preparing for it and teach you neonatal resuscitation. Just a thought to ask around. (I prefer having a midwife handy myself, but I want to be prepared if she’s not there — as happened with our last birth!)

  26. UGH, that’s frustrating. Weight loss as an adult woman is one of the hardest things I’ve ever struggled with. That really sucks that no one will work with you despite healthy pregnancies in the past. If there is a problem, you could always be transferred to a hospital! It’s just silly to me. Hopefully you can find something closer to what you want – I’ll be thinking of you!

  27. Just do your best, try and eat healthy, maybe keep some fruit and greek yogurt around to help with sweet cravings – personally, I find bananas and berries work well – they’re sweet, and berries are good for you. If I have them around, I’m far less likely to go for chocolate, cake, and my big downfall, ice cream. And while berries are kind of expensive, so are sweets.

    You, of course, will do what you feel is best. And that’s great!

  28. JoniRae,
    I hope you’re feeling better now? I’d like to suggest unassisted birth as well. I’ve had 2 UCs at home and though technically NOT a UC because I was at a small, privately owned birthing centre with my midwife present, I’d still like to call my 3rd birth a UC, as well. My midwife, at the time, was completely down with staying out of the room and letting me do my thing and birth by myself. The entire reason I was there was for her hot tub…which I didn’t make it into until AFTER baby’s birth!! Anyway, UC is a truly wonderful experience, and if you feel comfortable with the idea of it, I’d highly suggest doing loads of reading and research and go within yourself to see if this resonates with you and your baby. :) Peace and blessings, JoniRae

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