I’m Feeling Discouraged.

I’m scared I won’t be able to find a midwife that will want me as a client. I have contacted several, and most of the emails and talks have been about my obesity and why it will be a problem. It has me feeling so…  down.

banana bandana pic Before you get all up in arms, know that I do believe people can be healthy at most sizes, but I am self aware enough to know I tip the scale into very unhealthy land.  I’m working on that, have been working on that for a while now.  But even though my lifestyle (and my mind) is far, far healthier than it was in the years I spent putting it all on, it is so hard to get rid of it.  There is so much, it is overwhelming.  And every time I make strides in the right direction, I get pregnant.  When I am pregnant, I have no health concerns other than being fat. I have never had a c-section.  I have never had high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia, or a big baby.  Nothing is amiss, other than the actual FAT padding my frame.

I can’t FIX how I am right now. It is hard to fix myself when I’m not pregnant. I don’t know what to do.  And the idea that because of my stupid fat body I won’t be able to have the birth that I want makes me so angry with myself.

I just know I don’t want to birth in a hospital again.  I still think my body can give birth at my size without complications.

Because…. IT HAS.  Four times.

I’m feeling discouraged.

Comments

  1. Thinking of you JoniRae! I so hope you can work this out somehow!!! What a bummer! I hope the perfect midwife is out there and you just haven’t found her yet. Keep the faith!
    Kristin @ Intrepid Murmurings´s last post… Meet the Chickens!

  2. Mary Jo says:

    JoniRae,
    I hope you’re feeling better now? I’d like to suggest unassisted birth as well. I’ve had 2 UCs at home and though technically NOT a UC because I was at a small, privately owned birthing centre with my midwife present, I’d still like to call my 3rd birth a UC, as well. My midwife, at the time, was completely down with staying out of the room and letting me do my thing and birth by myself. The entire reason I was there was for her hot tub…which I didn’t make it into until AFTER baby’s birth!! Anyway, UC is a truly wonderful experience, and if you feel comfortable with the idea of it, I’d highly suggest doing loads of reading and research and go within yourself to see if this resonates with you and your baby. :) Peace and blessings, JoniRae

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