It Is Always a Sad Thing

Yesterday I read that Michelle Duggar has had a miscarriage.  This is sad.  I don’t agree with their lifestyle choices, but I am sorry for their loss, and disgusted by some of the comments I’ve seen on the internet.  It doesn’t matter if it is your first or your twentieth, losing a baby that you’ve carried under your heart and grown and loved is ALWAYS a heartbreaking thing to go through.

I’ve miscarried my fourth, sixth, and seventh pregnancies.  The seventh was just as much wanted as any other, and broke my heart.  I’m still not completely over it.  I will probably never be completely over it.  Throughout the summer and fall I would suddenly remember that I should still be pregnant, and a wave of sadness and loss would wash over me.  So many of my friends have been popping out babies in the last several months, and while I have been over the moon happy for them, there is a little piece of me that still mourns the loss of MY almost baby.

I think its been hard to let go because of how traumatic the experience was.  I had not mentally prepared myself for how much it would hurt, I didn’t understand that it would be labor, complete with contractions, only without the joy of a baby at the end.  My other miscarriages were not like this.  Part of it was the length of time I was pregnant.  I had nearly three months since I missed my period, all that time to get used to the idea of a fifth child, and I was ridiculously happy despite the morning sickness and sore breasts.  And a substantial part of it was the happiness of my husband.  He was so much more excited and involved with this pregnancy.

Don’t get me wrong, in the past he has always been happy, but this time he was actually excited!  I think it was because this was the first time we were adding to our family whilst we stood on the firm ground of employment and stability.  He has a great job and wasn’t worried about having another little person to provide for.

And then that baby was gone, in a rush of blood and disappointment and heartache.

You need to know that no matter how many children a woman has, if a baby was wanted and loved it is ALWAYS a heartbreaking thing to go through.  The fact that this would have been my fifth child does not mean I loved this baby any less.  It doesn’t negate the pain I went through, or the tears I shed.  We all know by now that the internet brings out the worst in people.  The veil of anonymity that falls when we sit behind our computer gives free reign to the beast within many of us, but I still was shocked by the things I’ve seen people post.

We need more compassion and less judgement in this world.