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It Is Always a Sad Thing

Yesterday I read that Michelle Duggar has had a miscarriage.  This is sad.  I don’t agree with their lifestyle choices, but I am sorry for their loss, and disgusted by some of the comments I’ve seen on the internet.  It doesn’t matter if it is your first or your twentieth, losing a baby that you’ve carried under your heart and grown and loved is ALWAYS a heartbreaking thing to go through.

I’ve miscarried my fourth, sixth, and seventh pregnancies.  The seventh was just as much wanted as any other, and broke my heart.  I’m still not completely over it.  I will probably never be completely over it.  Throughout the summer and fall I would suddenly remember that I should still be pregnant, and a wave of sadness and loss would wash over me.  So many of my friends have been popping out babies in the last several months, and while I have been over the moon happy for them, there is a little piece of me that still mourns the loss of MY almost baby.

I think its been hard to let go because of how traumatic the experience was.  I had not mentally prepared myself for how much it would hurt, I didn’t understand that it would be labor, complete with contractions, only without the joy of a baby at the end.  My other miscarriages were not like this.  Part of it was the length of time I was pregnant.  I had nearly three months since I missed my period, all that time to get used to the idea of a fifth child, and I was ridiculously happy despite the morning sickness and sore breasts.  And a substantial part of it was the happiness of my husband.  He was so much more excited and involved with this pregnancy.

Don’t get me wrong, in the past he has always been happy, but this time he was actually excited!  I think it was because this was the first time we were adding to our family whilst we stood on the firm ground of employment and stability.  He has a great job and wasn’t worried about having another little person to provide for.

And then that baby was gone, in a rush of blood and disappointment and heartache.

You need to know that no matter how many children a woman has, if a baby was wanted and loved it is ALWAYS a heartbreaking thing to go through.  The fact that this would have been my fifth child does not mean I loved this baby any less.  It doesn’t negate the pain I went through, or the tears I shed.  We all know by now that the internet brings out the worst in people.  The veil of anonymity that falls when we sit behind our computer gives free reign to the beast within many of us, but I still was shocked by the things I’ve seen people post.

We need more compassion and less judgement in this world.

15 Responses to It Is Always a Sad Thing

  1. It’s always ok to have differences of opinions but never ok to be harsh or unkind. This is not a moment of “I told you so” this is a moment of “I’m sorry”

  2. I completely agree with you. My heart bleeds for her. I also do not agree with her parenting style but that doesn’t mean it’s right for me (or anyone, for that matter) to judge her and say cruel things. Maybe it was her body’s way of telling her that it was done. I feel so bad for anyone who has to mourn a child.

  3. I could not agree with you more! I too miscarried my fourth child In August of this year, and I am still grieving! It is still a loss no matter how many children you have and it doesn’t mean that you loved or wanted that one any less than the others!

  4. I agree. I may not agree with their life choices but they’ve got to be devastated. Obviously, children mean a lot to them. I can’t imagine the heartache she must be feeling and I took a look at the comments people were leaving when you tweeted it yesterday. They were horrible. I have no idea what is meant for these peoples life path and no assumption that it’s my place to interpret the meaning of anything life gives them. My only concern is for her. I worry that after so many pregnancies, a difficult delivery for her 19th child and now this tragedy, that there may be an underlying cause that hasn’t made its self obvious. I hope she’s healing physically and mentally and that the love and support they obviously all have for each other helps them get through this time.

  5. I had my fifth (known, I have my suspicions about what would have been a first loss, bringing the total to 6) miscarriage this past June. It’s mostly been lost in my struggle to cope with parenting my two children earthside, and with anticipating being a gestational carrier for a dear friend next year. It also doesn’t hurt nearly as much (still) as the pregnancy I lost two years ago in October (I passed what I assume was the embryo and developing placenta on Infant Loss Day, ironically). If I hadn’t lost that pregnancy, the baby would be due in.. March? It says something that I have to think about when zie would have been due.

    But still. That means I’ve lost 2.5 (maybe 3) babies for each one I’ve kept. Put like that, I’m overcome with sadness, even while watching my delightful children at play.

    I would never have hear of the Duggars if it weren’t for the fad of ‘reality’ TV, and am not even a little bit interested in watching the show. I disagree with many of their lifestyle choices, but I don’t doubt they’d disagree with mine; lifestyle choices aren’t the point. The point is that they are a mother, a couple, and a family in pain from the loss of a baby, and dreadfully exposed to the cruelty of public opinion.

    Dear Mrs. Duggar, as a mother who has also suffered losses, I am so very, very sorry for all of this.

  6. As always, you’ve hit your mark perfectly and touched on a profound truth. This sort of behaviour sickens me, and I am so bothered that people act like this. Spreading such heartless negativity and judgement is like spreading a virus.

    I’ve just started reading “Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life” by Karen Armstrong. It is amazing and touches on a mother’s love in a very interesting way.

    I am still sorry for your loss.

  7. Definitely. beautifully and truthfully put. I had a miscarriage last year. It was so early I wasn’t even sure I was pregnant, but when it happened I got so sick and all the signs were there. I had only a few days to wonder if I was before I finally got my confirmation in the worst way possible. And it made me so sad, even though I hadn’t known for sure, even though I only had a few days of “possibly”, it still made me incredibly sad. I can’t imagine how sad it would be if it had happened later. There really is no appropriate reaction to the news of someone having a miscarriage, other than compassion. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, or take joy or satisfaction in that kind of news. Some people just have no shame or empathy.

    • & I am sorry for your loss, miscarriages suck. I’m trying for our 3rd & had a faint blue line & then a period…it doesn’t matter how far along a woman is…it’s heartbreaking.
      A friend posted a link to their ‘announcement’ & how bad the comments were & I’m glad I wasn’t able to find the comments.

  8. I agree so much! I have a hard time with the Duggar criticism; not because I think their ‘lifestyle’ is perfect or something to emulate, but because I like to accept people for who they are. I find differences invigorating and thought provoking~why do people get so angry, so emotional, about a family with nineteen kids? I guess they open themselves up to criticism by going public, but man some of the criticism is really nasty.

    I would add that the more kids I have (I have four, like you), the MORE I love a gestating baby. My first it was so abstract, and the more I had, the earlier and stronger the love grew. I get very attached. I feel for the Duggars, too. I hope they know there are supportive people out there, too, not just haters and trolls. Great post, thanks. =)

  9. I knew when I saw the headline what sort of comments would be left. I read the article, my heart breaking for them, but refused to even look at the comment sections. I had a very early term miscarriage with my second pregnancy. I was only ten weeks. When I first found out I was pregnant I was scared and unsure. I didn’t think I wanted another child. But as the days turned into weeks, and I got used to the idea I got excited. Just in time for the bleeding to start. I believe there is a purpose behind everything that happens. And there was a purpose for my miscarriage. I’m not meant to understand it, just to accept it. It was hard and painful and there were many tears. But in the end it made me realize that I did want that second child. And while I sit here typing this and watching my second daughter perform her made up song in front of the tv… I’m thankful for that little soul. That soul gave me more than anyone will ever realize. OK, so this comment took a different direction than first intended… Just because we don’t know the Duggars personally, doesn’t mean we can’t have compassion for them. I do, as I’m sure many other would-be parents around the world do. It doesn’t matter that it was the 20th… its still a loss…

    Blessings,
    Kourtney
    http://multifacetedexperience.blogspot.com/
    http://paganpagesbloghop.blogspot.com/

  10. I’m with you on this one. No matter how different their lives may be from mine (I’m pagan and only have the seven kids…) they don’t deserve the heartache of loss. No one does.

    On an unrelated note, I found your blog through Inspired By Life and am happy to find another Kindred Spirit in the blogosphere.

  11. Please, I would like you to read the book “Heaven is for Real” It is so powerful. And it will help you find some peace while you are still here. Spoiler Alert * all of you who have lost babies… they are not lost, but in Heaven being raised by God himself.*

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