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Let’s just call it my “sonic screwdriver”

I love my cozy bed in my nice cool room…

Have you ever had an “Oh Crap” moment with your kids?  You know- one of those moments where you know you have to have a conversation with your kids, but you cringe at the very thought of it?

Picture the scene: Two o’clock in the wee witching hours of a quiet Friday.  All the littles fast asleep in their own beds, but momma is still tossing and turning from an overextended sojourn in the sun.  It was nowhere near as painful as it had been for the last several days but I still could not find a comfortable way to sleep.  I finally gave up and reached into the bedside drawer where I had stashed my lovely aloe gel, fully intending to slather myself in it and get to dreaming about lovely new shoes and a shiny red kitchenaid mixer.

Now we as a family do not believe in secrets- bathroom doors rarely get closed, let alone locked, trinkets are not hidden away and the kids know where to find their birthday/Yule/Ostara presents if they really want a peek.

I’m married to a long distance truck driver.  He is gone for weeks, and sometimes even months at a time.  So over the years I have acquired what we shall call for the sake of this blog a collection of “boyfriends”.   Some are big, some are small, one of them I am pretty sure picks up basic cable.  My boyfriends live in the top bedside drawer.  The same drawer I had stashed my sunburn gel.  Upon reaching for the gel I could tell, just by touch, that something was amiss.

Butterfly Bob was there.

Rebel Rabbit was there.

And even the original- old Sparkly Sam was safely tucked away.

But uh-oh.  The bestest and most awesome of them all was missing- it had vanished out of thin, top-drawer air.  You have to understand now…  This was a birthday present from a friend of mine.  And at first glance it kind of resembles a medieval torture device.  A very substantial, purple, sparkly torture device.  It had bits that spun, bits that shook, and even parts with wiggly ears.  It had more buttons and settings than my dvd player.

I love my friend.  I thank her often.

What was I to do?  It was two o’clock in the morning.  I wanted to rouse the children one by one and interrogate them about the apparent kidnapping until one broke and revealed the whereabouts of my boyfriend.  I was ready with thumbscrews and a spotlight.  But I realized it would probably be better to get whatever sleep I could and play bad cop in the morning.  I did my best, but it is tough to fall asleep with visions of your six year old bow tie clad son running around the yard fighting off the daleks with his new found sonic screwdriver.

But time and interrogation wait for no woman and soon the first suspicious rays of dawn broke through the curtains and it was time.  I decided to search for my boyfriend one more time before the kids woke, and sure enough, circa six-thirty in the morning- in they trotted, bleary eyed and innocent.

First on my list was Patrick- after all, it would make a FANTASTIC sonic screwdriver.

“Hey Patrick?  Did you go in my bedside drawer?”


“You sure?”

“No Momma, if I had I would tell you.”

And I know my son- I know how honest he is.  His word is good enough for me, so I moved on to my next suspect.

“Will, have you been in my drawer?”

“Uh-uh Momma.”

Now, I know my daughter, and I love my daughter…  But we all know an “uh-uh” from Willow can mean a variety of things.  And sometimes, lets just say she can do with a little bit extra encouragement.

“Willi…  Are you sure?”

“Noooo.  I didn’t!”

“Are you really sure?  I won’t be mad.  I just want my stuff back.”

“Oh! OK- be right back!” And off she scampered to wherever she had stored my most prized purple sparkly possession.  She returned with it clutched in her hand, proclaiming “I just wanted to see what it did!”

When she handed it over, she seemed to have lost all interest in it, and trotted off down the stairs in search of breakfast…

However- Patrick was staring wide-eyed at buzzilla and I thought “Oh Crap- how am I going to explain this?”

But I needn’t have worried, “WOW Momma!”  he exclaimed, ” That would make a GREAT sonic screwdriver!”

FYI: No children were harmed in the making of this blog.

16 Responses to Let’s just call it my “sonic screwdriver”

  1. OMG this is great, haha.

    I remember when my little sister found my Mom’s “friend”.. Huge & red. My sister called it a SWORD!! we still laugh about it…

  2. That my sister-in-law Mactavish up there thinks this writing reminds her of me is a huge and massive compliment.

    This was hysterical.

    I occasionally am concerned that my own boyfriend will turn himself on by accident. He lives in my closet, which shares a wall with my oldest’s bedroom.

    Fortunately, he is often oblivious, and even if that did happen, he’d probably just assume the air conditioning went on.

  3. Joni!! That is hysterical!! Thank you so much for sharing I really needed a laugh this morning! And now I want my own sonic screwdriver LOLOLOLOL….too funny.

  4. I cracked up at this!!! I remember my tiny little bullet that used to be inside one of those bigger guys. The bigger, jelly thing got chewed up by ferrets (now don’t go thinking gross there!) and I thought the little vibrating bullet that was inside it could be rescued. Well, I’ve had it ever since and forgot all about it. It was hidden in one of my basket of random stuff and my youngest step keeps finding it and bringing it out into the living room to play with. So embarrassing! She keeps asking me what it is, and I said, it’s a vibrating massager. I keep trying to find better hiding places for it… or maybe I should just chuck it out since I don’t even use it.

  5. Hahaha something like this happened to me, except it was in full view of my neighbors! We lived in a tiny little apartment whose front door opened up into a communal hallway. The apartment was so small I slept on a daybed in the living room. I was standing at the front door chatting with a few neighbors when my youngest son said “Cool! A light saber that spins!”

    My neighbors all looked over my shoulder and started snickering – I turned to see Jacob had found the spinning pink light-up “boyfriend” in my underwear drawer and was BASHING HIS BROTHER OVER THE HEAD WITH IT yelling “Die, Darth Vader, DIE!”

    And to make matters worse? I was trying to wrestle it away from him (trying not to make a big deal out of it) when my ex came to the doorway – it was time for his visitation with the kids. So there I am playing tug-of-war with my three year old over a very visible toy. It’s been six years and he STILL won’t let me hear the end of it!

  6. I sell “boyfriends” so I’m always careful to keep my merchandise packed up and away from my kids because they are a destructive pair…but I forgot about my own stash. I come back from the bathroom one evening to find that my husband is in a fit of hysterical laughter on the couch and my kids are singing him a beautiful rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle” – using my Hitachi as a microphone.

    I will never, ever, be able to live that down. Esp. since he shared that story with all our close friends. *facepalm*

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