On Wealth and Privilege (and being a stay at home mom)

Amen! We’re in the same boat, though I’m lucky enough to have money in the bank that I can draw on from my mother’s death. My husband is disabled and he gets Social Security disability, which is a SMALL amount of money, plus we have my back-up money and my writing from the Examiner and odds and ends.

Our furniture is from Freecycle. I cook everything from scratch. We bought our house in the sticks for $2,000 and lots of parts inside reflect that. We get our clothes from thrift stores and 90% off clearance racks. I can pinch a penny till it’s so thin you can see through it!

We live below the poverty level but I do consider us privileged — just not in the ways those people mean. We have a fabulous life that reflects our priorities.
Magic and Mayhem´s last post… A Trip Around the World

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:27 AM

I totally agree that we SAHM are “privileged” —I just disagree with the use of the word to describe wealth or social standing.

PS I love freecycle!

<3

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existere Twitter: existere Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:05 AM

We LOVE freecycle too!!!
existere´s last post… Negotiating twins

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You said it and you said it well. We are in the same boat and it is tough and it is full of tough choices. But we make the choices that we do because of what we hold dear. And to us a parent being home with the children is exceptionally important. And there are a lot of people who seem to think that because I am home all day that I sit around popping bon-bons into my mouth and that I have a staff to do the rest. It isn’t easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. And when people say that I am “privileged” I smile and say ” Yes I am privileged to have such wonderful children. Thank you for noticing that!”

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:30 AM

That is a great way to answer those comments! I am glad you liked the post!

<3

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I can relate, even though I do not have kids. I’ve been POOR. I’ve had No paycheck, and know what I can do on $10 worth of food.

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:32 AM

It is REALLY difficult. We went seven weeks last summer without a paycheck- and that was with a brand new baby. It was really scary.

<3

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This is my first visit to your blog and I am glad to hear that I am not alone! Our choice to have a parent at home for our 5 kiddos is not a privilege, it is a choice that we make everyday. We live a humble life that is rich at the same time! I too have been annoyed when someone assumes that I can “afford” to be a stay at home parent… I guess we just live a lot smaller then other people. And of course there are the days where I yearn for the “freedom” of having a job outside of the home and being child-free all day long…Sir Hubby and I try to strike a balance so that I can attend births and do birth advocacy work once in awhile so that I can pursue my non-mommy interests (but even my non-mommy interests are mommy-baby related!)
Justine´s last post… Pennsylvania License To Breastfeed

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:35 AM

Having something of your own is very important. I learned that a few years ago when I started taking occasional henna gigs.

<3

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I love you for a lot of reasons, but this is one of them. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I’ve got friends who say, ‘Oh, I’ve got to go back to work, we need the money.’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, dude, so do we.’

But more than the money, we need our children to be at home, being cared for by a parent who loves them and puts their needs before anyone else’s.

As TMD has said, we’d rather live on air than send them to daycare.

I don’t think daycare is evil or anything diabolical; it’s just not right for our family. So while we live on a VERY tight budget now that I’m officially outside-the-home jobless, we are happy.

And as I’ve said to her, once they are all at school? (as we won’t be homeschooling, though I think it ROCKS) We will think we are rich like rockstars when we are both working…
existere´s last post… Negotiating twins

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:45 AM

Awww. I love you too. For lots of reasons. I don’t think daycare is evil either, -I would just rather parent my children myself. I love this: ‘As TMD has said, we’d rather live on air than send them to daycare.’

I’m glad you are happy. I am too!

In this way we ARE “privileged”

<3

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I agree with you in that I think it’s important for one parent to stay home with their children. People think I’m taking the easy way out by staying home. Good gods, if they only knew how incredibly DIFFICULT it is.
Although, I admit that I would love to have a husband putting a check into my account every week! heh heh. Even to have a husband/partner who I could talk to on the phone when I need some support. (those are some of the reasons I hate being a single mom.)

I’m glad you wrote this post. I’m going to link it and hope people get a freakin’ clue.

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:53 AM

Liz- Being a stay at home single mom is HARD. I’ve been there- when Han was little. It sucks. Props to you mama… I know that I am lucky to get that paycheck each week deposited in my account, and that I have the huz to talk to when things are rough. I am privileged in many ways, and I know it, because I have been where you are.

I just take offense to people thinking we are wealthy or well-off, because I stay home.

<3

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Barefoot Liz Twitter: BarefootLizC Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 6:59 AM

Yep, I get it. I really do. Thanks for being honest on your blog!

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I definitely think it’s important for people to know that just because a mom is at home does not mean a family is well off. I am at home with my sleeping daughter right now, but now that she is asleep I’m preparing to work. I’m a mom at home, but I’m a work-at-home mom, which I sometimes feel is a segment of society that goes entirely unrecognized. Is it hard? Oh my, yes. But it’s important, too.

The one thing I’d caution is that there are indeed people who are living small and still truly cannot afford to have one parent at home because both parents are subsistence earners or there are necessary medical bills or there’s only one parent with no other outside income or whatever. Calling yourself poor because you have a car from 1996 and finally bought a bathing suit after five years seems rather unkind to people living in true poverty. I’m not saying you mean it that way, but there is that undercurrent of “If you worked as hard as I do, you could live like me,” which isn’t always true.
Christa aka BabbyMama´s last post… You Eat What Now

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 8:49 AM

No. Having a car from 1996 and buying a bathing suit is us moving up in the world- my husband can support us now and we are finally pulling ourselves out of debt.

We have been homeless, we have been evicted. When we were first together we lived on nothing but rice because that is all we could afford. Literally. We bought a big bag of rice and a tub of margarine with our last five dollars and that was all we had for weeks. We have been car-less and took the bus. We have been unable to pay for the bus and walked.

We have lived in a three room apartment, my mother’s basement, my uncle’s spare room, and once almost our car.

We have been unable to buy clothes and diapers or pay for heat or electricity.

When I said POOR. I meant POOR.

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Christa aka BabbyMama Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 9:49 AM

But you said “We are poor” not “We were poor.” Do you still consider yourself poor? I’d say that to some extent our economic situations are similar, but I consider myself quite well off compared to many people in the world and I do see myself as privileged for being able to work from home and having the advantages I do.
Christa aka BabbyMama´s last post… You Eat What Now

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 11:17 AM

Yes I do. I was just illustrating the point that I do understand “poor”.

I am, of course, quite well off compared to many people in the world and I am grateful for what I have- that isn’t what this post is about.

It is about the perceived notion I must be wealthy to stay at home. For clarity’s sake I must add that according to government standards and our tax return this will be the first year of my adult life that our income is (just barely) above poverty level.

I so agree! A generation or two ago this was the norm and people made due somehow! Now we are too focused on material things. Most people could get by on one income they just don’t want to make the sacrifices. Priorities are messed up and it’s the norm to have your children in the care of strangers. I think it’s sad and Im glad there are others out there who put their kids first.

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 5:11 PM

I think material things play a HUGE role in people’s lives. Us included. We do without so much more than other people I know- but we still have our little luxuries. Which come with a BIG price, because we really can’t afford them.

Like a few summers ago when the huz decided we HAD to have an air conditioner. He bought one and the next day the electricity was shut off. LOL.

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Thank you! That’s exactly it! The most frustrating thing is that it wouldn’t be so hard to stay home if more people chose to do it. (I’m a bit of an amateur economist) If more people had only one income instead of two, the cost of living would be lower because prices can only be as high as people are willing to pay, and people are willing to pay less when they have less.

I get frustrated with people who DON’T stay home with their kids because I used to teach at-risk students who were basically only at-risk because they had no parents at home. So instead of spending time with a loving parent and family, they hung out with people who experiment with drugs all day. And they only chose those people, because users have only one condition of friendship, that you are also a user. Pretty easy to fit in and feel accepted.

I quit when I realized I was trying to make up for kids not having parents available while leaving my own kids to the same fate. You illustrated the difficulties of living on one income perfectly. Unfortunately, people use those difficulties as an excuse not to do what is truly best for their kids. Kids don’t need three cars and a bunch of computers. Kids need families.

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 5:15 PM

That is one of the reasons it is so important to me (hello I was a teen with little supervision… And pregnant at seventeen!)

I want to be home with them for lots of reasons, but part of it is that I think kids today are left alone way too much.

<3

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This same thing annoys me about being a SAHM. We aren’t able to do this because of great financial blessing, but because we think our kids are more important than stuff.
Jennifer @ Family Musings´s last post… Mother vs Wife

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 2nd, 2010 at 5:16 PM

YES.

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This is a wonderful post, and you have a beautiful family. I agree with you on that not many stay at home moms are well off. We rent the top floor of my in-laws home, and listening to a lot of other homeschool moms at our group meet ups, I’m not the only one working through a budget for groceries.
Jessica McKelvin´s last post… Im sick

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Joni Rae Reply:
July 3rd, 2010 at 6:15 PM

I have a budget for groceries too. Sucks sometimes, but I try to be happy at least we have money for groceries! (There were times in the not-so-distant past when we didn’t)

<3

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Love this post. That word has bothered me, too…for a long, long, time. I feel the same. Here’s the clincher: Doesn’t matter how much money one of you makes (while Mommy is at home doing all the things we do) and Daddy is at work (doing all the things Daddy needs to do)….there’s never enough. There’s always something else to buy, save for, etc. However, I have to believe that getting off that “hamster wheel” and being at home brings some kind of sanity to life with kids. It’s hard. Not easy. But, “privileged”? That’s funny! hahahaha Great post (and really cute kids) Kim – mommyesquire.com

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Thank you so much for sharing this post, you express exactly how I feel about being a SAHM without a big paycheck every month.
My husband is still in training and we won’t have a full income until fall next year, and of course we would have more money if I worked too. But both of us decided without hesitating that I will stay at home with our son because for us and our little family it’s just the right thing to do. I don’t wanna miss a single day in my son’s life just for a little extra money at the end of the month. We get by somehow and that’s all that matters to us. Our son needs my presence more than the playstation or any other fancy toy and what have yous. And I’m speaking from personal experience here, what would I have given for a single afternoon with my parents instead of another pair of jeans!
What I also hate is the misconception of SAHMs being too lazy to work. Yeah right, I just wiggle my nose and the house is clean and tidy, ha!
I really envy you for being able to homeschool. It’s illegal where I live (Germany). That’s another reason for me trying to spend as much time as possible with my little guy.

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Thank you for writing this. We have a similar story but not completely. I too have stayed home with my kids. We didn’t know how we would do it when my mat leave ran out but I knew I HAD to stay at home. My especially high needs baby and toddler needed me. Even when she was two, even at three and four. I needed to be at home. So how does one fund such a thing? We made some huge and tough decisions. We sold our house (which had acquired equity enough for us to purchase another one slightly cheaper and live off some of the money for awhile) and I chose to open up a family child care. Something on the list of jobs available that I thought I would NEVER do, and I did it for five years! Now we’ve moved again to pay off our debts with the equity from that house and I am just about to start part time work which will have me away from my kids for 3 hours a day 3 1/2 days per week, and when I get home I will be homeschooling. I think families can find ways to make it work if they are willing to really sacrifice for what they want.
Melodie´s last post… Sentimental Baby Carrier

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