Goddess Doll!

Six years ago I decided I needed to learn how to sew.  I was pregnant with Willow at the time and I wanted to learn how to make slings and mei tais because I couldn’t afford to buy them.  My Vovo (grandmother) is an uber seamstress, having sewn all her life, so I figured I could pick it up -no sweat.

And being the idiot I am, I decided that the most PERFECT starting project would be fairy dolls for my eldest daughter, Hannah.  (This is the part where I cried and cursed and swore and taught my children all sorts of words they shouldn’t be uttering until they reach voting age.) My fairies had bodies made out muslin.  They had looonnnggg skinny arms and legs -which were awful to try and turn right side out.  No matter what I did they would shred into bits.

A few days later I was reading through our copy of Circle Round and saw a sketch of the goddess symbol- you know the one, arms raised up, rounded pointy bottom- its everywhere!  Then I got the idea for dolls without legs to stuff…..  Goddess dolls!

I thought they’d make cool dolls for pagan people.  They’ve actually turned into adult collectibles.  Most people buy them for themselves, to decorate their home and altars.  I’ve sold them in Artemisia Botanicals in Salem, Massachusetts and several stores in Rhode Island.

Pretty good for self-taught!

I really love making them.  And because I strive to make each doll as perfect as possible- by hand- I’ve learned all sorts of great things!  Bead work, embroidery,  pattern making, etc.  They are continuously evolving into more and more beautiful dolls.

I closed my etsy shop about a year ago after burning out on all things sewing.  I’m happy to say that this week I feel crafty and inspired enough to open my shop again!  I have been slowly dipping my toes back in over the past few months.  Every once in a while I’ll announce on my facebook page that I’d like to make a few dolls and the resulting sales keep me busy for a few weeks!

Last month I did a “free shipping” sale to celebrate my birthday and I ended up with over twenty doll orders.  I wasn’t able to get started until last week because just a few days later I became terribly, horribly ill- I was sick for twenty days….  And I’m still recovering now. But I’m having a fantastic time with these dolls and I decided that I’m ready to make them more often.  I am nearly done with the ones I have now- I just need to spend the next few days attaching heads and hair and double checking which dolls are supposed to be babywearing and then I’ll be ready to start on the next batch of orders!

I only have three listings right now, for my “custom dolls”  but I found a cache of doll bodies I had sewn at some point, so I’m hoping to stock my shop with a bunch of already made dolls soon!

And if I’m brave enough, I’d like to start selling some artwork too.  Gulp.

This wire is supposed to be white.

I love our big house but it does have a few annoying little issues.  For one, Cooper’s room has been losing electricity.  One by one, the outlets and switches have stopped working.  Changing a diaper in the dark of night really sucks when you can’t see what you are doing.

We were worried about faulty wiring causing a fire so my friend asked her husband, R who is an electrician, to check it out for us. I explained that nothing was working, but to my chagrin some of the outlets worked when he checked them.  The lights, however, stayed off.  R quickly discovered the ceiling light fixture in Cooper’s room was wired wrong, so he fixed it for us and that seemed to sort out that problem.

When the huz got home an hour later, I was excited to tell him that the electricity was fixed!  But when he tried flipping the switches, nothing happened.  I called my friend back to tell them I wasn’t nuts (and the room really did have something wrong with it) and her husband was nice enough to come back to check it again………

And after poking around and dismantling several switches he discovered that a wire in the fuse box was inches too short and the power was arcing to make the connection.

Holy shit.

He fixed the problem and brought the piece of wire he clipped out to show us.  It was melted and charred. 

We could have easily had a fire. 

Today I am grateful for friends with useful skills.

Check your fire alarms. 

Saying goodbye

One year ago today I lost my baby.

I’m ok now.  I’m finally past it, or at least I’m pretty sure I will be tomorrow.  I think it’s been hard to let go because of how traumatic the experience was.  I was alone with the littles, the huz was on the road.  It hurt so bad- I had not mentally prepared myself for how much it would hurt.  I didn’t understand that it would be labor, complete with contractions, only without the joy of a baby at the end.  My other miscarriages were not like that.  Part of it was the length of time I was pregnant.  Nearly three months since I missed my period, all that time to get used to the idea of a fifth child, and I was ridiculously happy despite the morning sickness and sore breasts.  And a substantial part of it was the happiness of my husband.  He was so much more excited and involved with the pregnancy.

Don’t get me wrong, in the past he has always been happy, but he was actually excited!  I think it was because it was the first time we were adding to our family whilst we stood on the firm ground of employment and stability.  He has a great job and wasn’t worried about having another little person to provide for.

And then that baby was gone, in a rush of blood and disappointment and heartache.

You need to know that no matter how many children a woman has, if a baby was wanted and loved it is ALWAYS a heartbreaking thing to go through.  The fact that it would have been my fifth child does not mean I loved the baby any less.  It doesn’t negate the pain I went through, or the tears I shed.  It doesn’t make me weak or even a drama llama when I talk about how I feel six, eight, twelve months later.

Where am I now?

I’m in a newer, bigger house far away from Rhode Island.  I have new friends.  I’m painting again. I write more.  I know myself better.  I’ve lost a good sized amount of weight, injured myself and gained some of it back.  I’m still not pregnant, but I want to be pregnant again.  Even though it scares me to put myself into a position where that could happen again, I can’t shake the feeling that there is this hole in our family where someone is supposed to be.

Today I am a little sad, but I think I’m ready to move on and put away that terrible moment in time.  Maybe, someday, there will be another little baby in my life.  I hope so.